It seems that not too long ago the idea of wearing a computer on your body would have been about as appealing and practical as attempting a triathalon in an iron lung. Imagine a backpack with one of the first “portable” computers inside it. These things were seemingly made of uranium and lead and I sneakily suspect had special magnets in them that made them attracted to the Earth’s core. To carry one of these monsters around on you back would result in a triple hernia and the need to lean forward 15 degrees to maintain your balance. This of course would give you the appearance of a dangerous leering psycho as you lean forward and sweat and pant profusely into people’s conversations at social or business gatherings (This is nothing compared to what the boys at MIT Labs are currently capable of, but more of that later). Still people would certainly listen to what you had to say, in fact you’d probably end up closing deals because people were frightened of you and your demeanor. Those users that weren’t killed by this technology would have presumably bred and developed into some sort of yuppie master race. A terrifying natural selection process, though arguably there would be less of them.
Anyway, as good fortune would have it we managed to avoid this particular eventuality and are now ruled by normal yuppies which is not quite as bad. However as Mr. Moore of Intel fame has often observed by means of his “Law”, electronic stuff has gotten more powerful and a lot smaller (gosh!). Now it has become de rigeur in technological social circles (yes they exist!) to drop “wearable computing” and “personal networks” into your conversation to make people think you’re clever or visionary or perhaps live near the Stanford Linear Accelerator (which is curiously donut shaped for something supposedly linear). Getting a little tired of hearing these terms bandied around like so much Pacific Salmon (it’s the beef of the 90’s!) I asked myself: “Mercury, what is this whole wearable computers lark about then?” Unable to answer myself I felt embarrassed and decided to visit the “Web” to do some “on-line research” or “Educational Skateboarding” as I have chosen to call it. Raking through an extensive collection of porno site bookmarks (Ahem! Not mine you understand, I suspect the janitor “uses” my PC after I go home for self gratification) I eventually stumbled upon the URL for MIT Labs (widely observed and internationally renowned wierdo’s) and figured they must be involved somehow… because… they always are… you can pretty much guarantee it… them and IBM Research. Of course I could have just done a search on the word “Wierdo” and found them that way.
After a little cursory browsing I am presented with a screen that shows people that wear video cameras on top of their heads like periscopes, and look at a mini TV screen embedded in a pair of glasses to see where they are going. They are wearing data gloves that operate prosthetic robot arms attached to their torso’s and their jackets are made of photoelectric cells. There is a suspicious bulge in their pants, but nothing to confirm my personal theory about this dangling from the outside. The whole thing is powered by rabid hamsters stitched to their sneaker’s, or some such equally improbable device. I know I am metaphorically ‘home’. They look pale and disorientated but serenely happy. Presumably this good humor is brought about by the thought of the next grant check, or possibly the thing in their pants (if indeed such a thing exists, which we have not been able to confirm per se). They wear all this gear 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (Did someone say ‘Freaks!’? No? Are you sure?)
Call me old fashioned if you will, but I think it would be safe to say that this lifestyle is probably not for everyone. Unless of course you can feign enough genius to get away with it for your entire life (tricky), or you are naturally wealthy and therefore can afford to do this and, if you wanted, combine it with the lifestyle of a mad French poet from the Baroque period.
Anyhow, back to the point in question! It seems that the whole wearable computer thing, in order to be practical really boils down to having a “personal network”. No, this is not your own TV broadcast station or a host of Novell products linking your elbows to your temples (?!). This is a computer embedded in the sole of your shoe which passes a mild electrical current and data signal over the surface of your skin (Sounds appealing, I can hardly wait). The power is generated by a little thing that converts the force of your heal touching the ground into electricity. One might assume that running or vigorous jumping movements might cause one microwave ones genitals or something equally unpleasant.
The computer, which is worn in the lining of your pants or in your tshirt or your hat, or most likely in your shoes, can do things like monitor your bodily functions, heart rate, temperature and presumably give you cancer of the brain and irradiate your sperm, that sort of thing. So if your heart stops and for some reason you fail to notice, it’ll be sure to remind you. My, how we’ve advanced! Furthermore the electrical field can transmit and receive information to things you touch that are similarly equipped. I can imagine business meetings where the traditional shake of hands becomes a ritual of fear, the smell of charred flesh and agonized screams as personal data in the form of electronic business cards are exchanged. But it doesn’t end there.
This technology of course can be taken further into the home life. Apparently when you touch your fridge it can tell you that you need to buy more milk or cheese. This is clearly a boon to those tired by the laborious task of actually opening the fridge door and looking inside. What if you’re lactose intolerant? I think the fridge might meet an untimely and premature demise. The vacuum can tell you its full, err the cooker could tell you it was hot, after you’d touched it of course…
Apart from the household appliances your car can tell you things about itself, like perhaps the ashtrays are full - because you’ve started smoking again, probably because machines that sound like Stephen Hawking lurking in unlikely places talk to you incessantly and you’re having difficulty keeping a grip on things. The car can also talk to the fridge and the supermarket via your personal net, a marriage made in hell. So you drive past the “Quickie Mart” and the car tells you to stop and get milk (and more cigarettes because your blood pressure just went up from being told to buy milk by your car). So you get out and your net has already purchased the milk and deducted it from your credit card. Your role in life is reduced to menial tasks to keep your appliances happy. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around?
We all remember the previous talking cars whose robotic voices told you the door is open or your seat belt is not on. How long did that little fad last? Most of them were driven for about six weeks before their owners piloted them at high speed into large immovable objects or abandoned them in swamps. Without wanting to labor the point, these cars primary flaw was never to talk in plain English. For example: “Your in-motion upper body and groinular tethering and restraint device is not fully engaged in the requisite locking orifice” in the voice of a pedantic snitty 12 year old. If it had said “Buckle up, shithead” instead - and then only after we’d pulled away instead of the moment we open the door to get in, we’d probably have loved it and kept it and not smashed it into a tree/rock/pulp.
Refusing to learn this valuable lesson the persistent little devils at MIT etc. continued their work to bring this electronic disease into more areas of our everyday lives in the continued belief that our brains need these virtual extensions or enhancers. Taken to natural extremes this means that your brain is relieved of burdensome trivia such as having to know when to go to the bathroom and it can focus it’s energy on road rage, consumerism or the small TV in your glasses that constantly pumps advertisements for “Vagistat” and “The New Dodge” (Ramalamalama) into your retina. Sounds great doesn’t it? So what happens if it breaks? Hmmm? Nuclear weapons for example! They send out an electromagnetic pulse that destroys electronics. Would we all run out of milk and shit ourselves to death? It’s possible! Of course I suppose we’d all be fried by radioactivity anyway, but what about those in the bunkers?
OK, so improbable Nuclear Armageddon aside, what happens if you pick up static electricity after walking on a particularly vicious 1970’s style nylon carpet and your body net interprets this random voltage burst as “Heart Failure imminent, release amyl nitrate capsules, evacuate bowels and apply defibrillator current across chest”. You move like Buster Keaton on acid to the nearest convenience, simultaneously clutching your chest and your pants screaming “Frrrzztt! Off! Turn me Frrrzztt! off!”. Not a very gallant or genteel way of going about things.
The question remains why are they doing this? Why would we even countenance such actions? Why is money being spent in this way. It seems that eccentricity has become an industry but I suppose it’ll all become clear eventually. In the meantime the guys at MIT are the only people who really know what the objective is and I have sneaking suspicion that Buster Keaton is their mascot.
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