Sitting provocatively at my desk the other day, I was scanning through the business section of the Chronicle and was astounded by the quantity of companies collapsing, buying each other out or just doing stupid things in general. Reflecting as I do in these circumstances, this sort of activity cannot go by with out some of my casual observations. With fingers poised over the keyboard I set about my latest lambasting.
It has become apparent that huge amounts of money are invested in ideas which never have a hope of leaving the hangar, let alone flying and the ones that do succeed are quickly bought out by wise corporations looking for a quick buck. It’s like a form of evolution. On the upside, you can watch a large corporation pull together successful smaller units like one of the “pools of mercury” special effects from Terminator II. This new Borg then teams up with other growing monoliths so they can go and poke fun at the industry leader, whoever it may be at that time. Once they’ve usurped the market leader they have a brief few years of glory, get senile and then get ousted themselves. This last bit, of course, is the most interesting for us gore vultures! You can watch as dying corporations clutch to their now fragile corporate by-lines and acquire other losers in a desperate bid to bring some of that old magic back into the business. What they don’t seem to comprehend is they need some of the new magic (unless it’s the general type, which of course is useless).
One famous company, “Failures in Nice T-Shirts Inc”, after appointing Vinnie the Pimp as their CEO to steer them directly into the murky depths, has purchased “Floundering Ex-employees of Failures in Nice T-shirts Inc” presumably in the hope of forming the “Complete Disaster Corporation”. Since then their stock has plunged, things look even bleaker and Vinnie is getting it in the nads from stockholders. What happens next is of course corporate downsizing, which always leads to an alarming increase in the ever growing independent consultants population forming companies with names like “Radical Dynamics Inc”. This of course is terrifying for the rest of us who have to deal with these morons and who reluctantly end up employing them when they fail to either a) succeed or b) go away.
The most alarming group of companies are those who for years and years have never had a successful product or made a profit, but continue to grow despite what common sense dictates. An example of this is Neofails Inc who recently purchased Nirvana Ltd because they did not have a technology which was quite crap enough for the really crappy products segment they were trying to really make an impact in. Apparently, this was such a thrilling experience (for them alone it would seem) that they are planning several more such ventures in the future, presumably so they can keep the evil specter of profit from their door indefinitely. Still if they all club together they are at least all under one universally avoidable banner.
Failing at first to comprehend how companies like this continue to exist, let alone grow, the answer suddenly it struck me!
Deep in a valley, far, far away live and extremely rich tribe of “Lucky Trolls”. Their purpose is to take money from the gambling Proletariat Elves and flush it down the magic toilet as fast as possible. It flows down the PR sewers, through the admin. treatment works and on to the sea of availability. Eventually it washes up on the reality shores where the Fantastic Pixies, who live in the mists of delusion, collect it. Some Pixies take the money and spend it on big parties to entertain the Corp-Rats and Anal-Whisps who work in the PR sewers. Because the Corp-Rats and Anal-Whisps like the parties so much they go back to the sewers and write their favorite Pixies names on the money so that when it gets to the beach the Pixies know who it belongs to.
The lucky trolls don’t mind this because they are stupid and it’s not their money anyway.
Some Pixies have discovered the beneficial leaves of the ROI tree which helps them see through the mists of delusion. They take the money and build things which are useful and that the Proletariat Elves want to buy. But these are nearly extinct so we should forget about them. The rest just have fun with it and make things which they think are cool and because of the delusion mists they assume the proletariat elves will think theyare cool too. They are usually mistaken so they go to the parasitical Consultants, who tell them how to reinvent themselves, using the sacred and powerful runes of diversion. During this time they become famous because the Hype Dragon has been howling their names from the top of the hill and scaring the Elves into buying their shares. The Corp-Rats and Anal-ists, love the hype Dragon very much and invite him to their parties. They are also close friends with the Lucky Trolls and tell them how clever they are and that they must keep flushing or else the world will come to an end or even worse, the Samurai will get them.
With this little parable in mind one can’t wonder at the collective sanity of the inhabitants of the valley because they’re on the magic gravy train. The real question which should be asked is why do the Elves let it happen? Well it’s because they are all stupid too. Once bitten, twice shy would seem to offer some sense, but the Elves willingly allow themselves to be mauled to death. Go figure!
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