In the rich world of PDA’s or Handhelds (life wreckers), much of the discontent among the natives has been about how you get information into one of them without having your hands surgically altered or learning to write in “Tolkien like” rune based languages. Some companies smartly avoid the issue by pretending that people don’t want to do this on the move and that they only ever really want to look at their information from their desktop. Bullshit! Not all of us own desktops as has been extensively documented by many over paid research firms, so we’re stuck with what’s on offer, and face it, people really do want to input data in the field otherwise why would they haul those preposterous laptops all over the place with them. I suppose there are the few masochists in the pack and some that use them as a status symbol. However the latter are the same bunch that positively relish the prospect of pulling out their mobile phone in public so that the rest of can get a glimpse of how pointless their existence is. I categorize these as the “low substance set” and are first for termination when the revolution comes. This set includes people of a high “Weasel coefficient”, such as Lawyers, real estate agents, stockbrokers or anyone involved in sales, mergers or corporate business of any type, anywhere. And consultants. And analysts. And marketing executives or anyone else involved in the propagation of lies. I’ve got more, but I’ll spare you for now.
With the exception of a direct link to the brain (don’t laugh, the maniacs at MIT have been on the psychadelics for so long they are bound to have something like this up their sleeves… or perhaps under their hats?), the initial basics of portable input devices have pretty much been explored and have found to be lacking that vital something. The basic conflict is size versus usability, if you want it to fit in your pocket (and face it what’s the point otherwise!) and still get stuff into it, you have three choices, pen, keyboard or voice or perhaps combinations thereof. However Mr. Moore’s law has not progressed sufficiently to successfully facilitate all three yet, unless you have an extremely long umbilical to a Cray or own a wireless network. So we’re stuck with these three for now. Having nothing better to do with my time except for real work which doesn’t count, I decided that the controversy of input devices was worth a closer look.
I headed to my nearest electronics emporium brandishing a charge card that they are far too familiar with and within seconds was presented with a bill that generated enough membership reward points to fly me to Jupiter and back once a week for the rest of my life. Why so expensive? I thought, as the sales associated removed the defibrillator electrodes and massaged my heart back into action (thank God I was in the Good Guys). The problem, I concluded after a little receipt analysis, was the extras. The periphery that makes them useable. This usually involves special links and add-ons so that when they finally have their nervous breakdown (indicated by the friendly “Dump bin hexloader at FFE2 #Orangutan #Teapot” message appearing on the screen) and spew your data into the ether for no apparent reason in the middle of a critical meeting, you are able to conveniently take the next flight home and restore your hopelessly out of date information and presumably relive an earlier part of your life. Is this what Microsoft mean when they rattle on about PDA’s being time travel devices? Of course you could take your laptop with you as a backup, but that rather defeats the purpose doesn’t it!
I have always thought it would be more appropriate to have a token, good for two visits to a therapist so that you can deal with your data loss more effectively (the first visit is for when you open the manual). Better still instead of the manufacturers having technical support hot lines they could have therapy hot lines to counsel the distraught, ex-data possessor. Though on reflection they do, they are just called technical support hotlines.
Anyway, striding from the shop trailing cables and widgets like the God of the Bondage Geeks, I set out for home and to take my task in hand. Undaunted by the maze of cables and instructions, I decided to write the rest of the article like a sort of diary on these devices in a mobile environment (walking around my living room and neighborhood).
It’s Monday morning at about 10am and I’m going to start with the 512K Pocket Navigator, which requires learning a new form of hieroglyphs in order to write. Experiment begins……
it now TUESSDAY AFTErnoon and I have give up with heiroglyphics I have not produce a coherent word so far. DEVICE HAS PROVE robust and survived the repeated blows from coffee mug, wind chime and cat. Im using on screen keyboard and pointer, which work at about 1 word/minute. Wife left house for her mothers house at 5 am this morning due to prolonged exposure to my investigative journalism practices.
I am new walking on the Pineapple Isaac. This as a moan implementing device plots murk and goldfish in the hands of obsequious pupil. Wheel this is complementing forked. Tone fur the keyboard velocipede.
I’n usinmg ther Screwitt Blaggard 3000 XXX Turbot keybord device &* hve left the appasrtment to test it on th stret. At furst ot seemd a litle cummbrsome but aftrr a whle it bwcame a loit more anoyying. I soon lernd that it#s a lot easier to type with your thumbs and cradlle the unit with thee rest of your finngers. In fact you can do it whiler you are walkking down the streett without too much pro8nw#*&cwao;95
I have now goty up from the siderwalk amd only feelinh mild painn now. Not wishing to let go of the preciouss device, I raised thhe handf containing it to wipe my eyesd and am now experiencin a minor concussion and light hemorrhaging from myu nostrils. The pain is indescribaable and the blood is starting to drip int…
I’m on the digital voice recorder bit of the Posyon 4f device now. The 3000 packed up after I bled on it. The only problem with the voice device would appear to be the shortage of availa <click>
I’ve inserted a bigger memory cartridge and can continued the investigation. A word for the wise. Try not to operate these types of devices whilst walking and especially if there are too many crotch height items of “sidewalk furniture” around. My unfortunate nemesis was the San Francisco Chronicle vending machine. I’ve got a seat outside the coffee house now and some napkins to clean up the mess on my shirt. ….. sorry, yes a large latte please... I’m switching back to try and finally master the 512K Pocket Navigator, because I’m getting some very strange looks from the staff. This is probably because I appear to be holding a conversation with a calculator. But hold on there’s a Cop car. I’ll keep on recording as there might be something interesting going on. They’re getting out and seem to be approaching me. Errr, yes officer can I help you……? No I’m a journalist…. Errr why do you want me to put it down? Ow! Let go of me, I’m just <click>
I have decided to finish the article on a regular computer. I have in the last 36 hours, been abandoned by my wife, received groin and head injuries, a criminal record (“We are the world” by Michael Jackson - someone should lock him/her/it up), slept a mere 2 hours, spent half of my inheritance and I’m not expecting to see the cat again.
Of all the technologies I’m looking forward to voice recognition the most, but in the field it’ll make you look like a lunatic and will generate a world of babbling cretins (the Weasel coefficient strikes again). However if we believe Star Trek (which we do of course) a time will come when we’ll be able to talk manfully to our Walkman’s and say “Computer, give me the data on the collapse of MicroSoft back in 2001” and watch in awe as the holographic projector re-runs an episode of the Simpsons. Doh!
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